Prior to May 23, 2007, I always talked to Alex and taught him the violence is not the answer. I made it VERY clear that I never wanted to see him punch, hit, slap, or push someone because there is always a better way to deal with anger other than through violence.
After Wednesday, however, I had to reevaluate what I was teaching him regarding physical strength. I received a call from the school saying that Alex fell and his cloths were very muddy. I said that I would run a clean pair of shorts and a t-shirt to him ASAP. When I arrived at the school, the principle approaches me and said that he was taking care of it. Out walks my son, in tears, covered in mud, and holding an ice pack over the bump on his head. W*H*A*T??? Apparently, a kid in the first grade was being a bully to some of the kindergarten kids and Alex was one of his targets. Alex exclaimed that "he tried to get away from him". I had to keep swallowing the lump in my thought because I didn't want him to see me cry. "be strong be strong be strong be strong be strong". As the bully walks out of the office, I give him that look - the one that every mother has or needs to master - the one that makes any child regardless of age quiver in there underpants. I wanted to pick him up and say if you hurt my baby again -you'll be messing with me, but I didn't.
The kid was 1/3 of Alex's size! How in the heck did this happen? I told Alex to go change and we would talk when he was finished. I watched him walk to the bathroom still in tears over this ordeal. The principle had the child in his office punishing him with detention/no recess/no field-trip. Alex came out of the bathroom and I first asked him if he did anything to provoke this kid (I was already told he didn't by the teacher but I wanted to hear it from him). He said no and that this kid had picked on him before. Alex has never said a word about this kid to me and I've asked him specifically about things like this in the past. Then I went back on my previous "no violence" rule. I exclaimed that if a bully is picking on him or he witnesses a kid being physically bullied and he has tried to tell teachers or talk to the kid, he may have to use physical strength to grab the kid and bring him down. One left hook should take care of it....right? Yep - it's not my proudest mommy moment but I don't want my kid to grow up never knowing how to defend himself or other people who are being victimized. Isn't it our innate human reaction to fight back (fight or flight syndrome)....have I tried to completely reverse what nature hardwired our intuitions to be?
Well - I'm too tired and I have tons of homework to do yet to answer those questions right now. When I tucked him into bed tonight I suggested we pray for Tommy (not his real name) since he must be a terribly sad boy to be so mean. Alex closed his eyes and a few seconds later said DONE. I don't know what he prayed for - I hope it wasn't for Tommy to catch the chicken pox or something - but I guess that for he and God to work out. I asked Alex is Tommy had many friends, which Alex said no, and I also suggested that we invite him over to play sometime but Alex just looked at me like "don't push it mom"
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Bullies
Posted by Amanda at 4:29 PM
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19 comments:
Poor guy! It is so sad that that the other little boy is all ready a bully in the 1st grade. I hope his parents recognize that he may need something extra and try to improve on it.
Try not to feel to bad about having to revise what you origionally told him. You are not alone. I have had to do the same.
I hope Alex feels better soon!
Ouch!! Hope that shiner goes away soon. I think you handled it so well. I think I would have utilized the motherly glare at that boy too. At least it sounds like the boy got a decent punishment.
OH that is sad. It brought tears to my eyes hearing it the second time.
Poor guy. How is he doing today?
I will keep both of you in my prayers today,
Still painful Lori - apparently there isn't much tissue on the forehead so the bruising has reached his nose.
I forgot to tell you the funny part though - so I'm a bit indulgent with Alex when things like this happen. I told him that he could decide what he wanted for supper last night - his decision - corn and root beer floats!
Oh, man! That looks painful! Poor Alex!
You did the right thing in w/ Alex. Fighting isn't good but some times you just have to stick up for yourself. Sometimes those darn bullies need to be put in their place.
I am so glad you gave him that MOTHERLY glare! I would have done the same thing!
amanda, have i told you lately what an amazing mom you are? i just don't know how you wear all the hats that you do...and wear them with such wisdom. i'm in awe, really.
you handled that in a way that i couldn't have-period.
you know, your 'no violence' is a great lesson. but teaching him to stand up for himself and others is okay. even if it means 'taking em' down' sometimes. you've laid the foundation for a boy that knows what it means to turn the other cheek...now you've given him the knowledge that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself too.
Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry.
It's such a fine line on telling kids not to hit, kick, etc....then telling them when it's ok to defend themselves.
I'm feel horrible for Alex and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this too.
Sometimes in life, we realize that things are NOT the way we would hope for them to be. Your son has learned a great lesson, Evil and violence do exist. Sometimes we have to stand up and protect ourselves and others. in a perfect world, it would not happen. especially, as he is a male, he will need to be allowed to develop his "protective" instincts. sometimes we as women dont get that. LOL1
I am so sorry Alex had to go through that! I think you handled the situation very well. And while I agree with your advice to fight back if need be, just be aware that if he does, he will be disciplined at school, no matter how justified he was. My 12 year-old daughter has been dealing with a bully (I would use another b word but I am too polite, ha!) for two years. We talked to the teacher last year and it helped for a little while. This year she has even gotten my daughter called to the counselor's office by telling lies about things my girl said. If you read back on my blog, we even had to change softball teams to get away from her. (We already tried making friends, it didn't work). Wish I had more wisdom on how to resolve bully situations. I'd tell you and use it myself!
Oh I know - I get so frustrated when I hear of people being punished for justifiable actions!! We're just pushing these young people to act out violently because the good ones receive the same punishment as the bad ones do. THEN we can’t figure out why people go to such extreme levels with bullying - well we’ve created such a passive aggressive society and we expect kids to either cower to a bully or be punished for fighting back. UG
Holy cats! I'm not looking forward to that at all. Had it been me watching that boy come from the office, I would have opened my mouth and said something. I know I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.
I think I'll encourage Nathan to tell people that mess with him that his dad is a cop.....or that his mom is a complete psycho!
I remember being made fun in school and hating school because of it. Parenting is a learning experience, isn't it?!? Oh... and Kenny Rogers said it best "Sometimes you've gotta fight to be a man" You are raising Alex to be an understanding, compassionate and well rounded adult.
HA Kerrie - I'd go with my mom's a complete pyscho! Maybe we can get t-shirt made up for our boys or something!!!!
I am not sure I could have just let that kid walk by me after doing that to my child. Good thing my husband will probably be doing the picking up and dropping off since I am at home doing daycare.
HANG IN THERE ALEX!!!
I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and I start to wonder if I'm teaching my son to be too passive. Lately, I've been teaching Alex the difference between hitting to be mean or because you're angry, and hitting because you're defending yourself (the whole evil vs. good thing).
You're a wonderful mom, and your Alex sounds like a wonderful kid. I'm sorry both of you had to go through this. I hope I can hold it together as well as you did if my Alex goes through this.
I used to use say the same thing....no hitting...until my son got picked on horribly in 5th and 6th grade by a kid 1/2 his size. We talked to the teacher about it and it still happened so I told him to hit the kid...not one of my proudest moments either but like you said, we want to teach our kids to defend themselves too. I just found out and this is years later that our school still doesn't have a bullying policy in effect....maybe we should do something about that!
"Don't mess with me. My mom is a complete psycho."
Then on the days that I go have lunch with him I'll wear the same shirt. "Don't mess with my kid - I'm a complete psycho!"
I like it! :)
I understand what you are going through completely! Although Kaiden didn't come home with a shiner like that! We had the same talk, and I told Kaiden that I would back him 100% if he was defending himself. Even though that that would mean that he would be in trouble at school... I would come in and fight that battle with him. It is so hard to see our babies being picked on or hurt by another!
OK where's that bully kid??!! Ya want I should take 'im out for ya!!! Ewwww the whole thing just really gets my blood boiling. Poor Alex!
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